Saturday, December 7, 2019

Quotes from Scott Adams ‘Dilbert -- The Joy of Work’

If you enjoyed reading one of the author’s books then chances are you may like another one. After reading ‘How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big’ I searched for ‘The Dilbert Principle’ and couldn’t find it.

But! I found ‘Dilbert – The Joy of Work’ instead and soon found out how amusing it is.

"I think the next wave of office design will focus on eliminating the only remaining of obstacle to office productivity: your happiness. Managers know that if they can eliminate all traces of happiness, the employees won't be so picky about their physical surroundings. Once you're hopelessly unhappy, you won't bother to complain if your boss rolls you up in a tight ball and crams you into a cardboard box." ~~ Scoot Adams (Book: Dilbert -- The Joy of Work)

"Humor is the easiest and safest way to pretend you are smart. If you try to demonstrate your brilliance by, for example, shouting the solution to complex math problems, people will think you're a dork. But if you cracks jokes all day, you'll look like brilliant employee who is simply too modest to perform any conspicuous acts of competence on the job. As a funny employee, you'll be able to bungle one project after another without drawing suspicion that the problem is you." ~~ Scoot Adams (Book: Dilbert -- The Joy of Work)

"As a rule, it's a good idea to stay away from anything in life that has "evil" built right into the description. But it's especially true where a boss is involved. When evil is combined with incompetence, it becomes more unpredictable. Your only defense is distance." ~~ Scoot Adams (Book: Dilbert -- The Joy of Work)

"One excellent way to entertain yourself at work is to constantly bring up topics that you know will set your co-worker into spastic fits." ~~ Scoot Adams (Book: Dilbert -- The Joy of Work)

"Scientists don't specify which sources of laughter are better than others health wise, so I  recommend laughing at other people --- your co-workers in particular --- at least until we have more data. If you know any scientists, you can laugh at them too. They won't take it personally because they'll understand you're doing it for medical reasons." ~~ Scoot Adams (Book: Dilbert -- The Joy of Work)

"From a purely quantitative standpoint, it makes more sense to laugh at other people than to laugh at yourself. You're only one person, whereas there are new batches of other people born every minute, many of whom are hilarious without even trying." ~~ Scoot Adams (Book: Dilbert -- The Joy of Work)

"Perhaps your boss has told you that problems are really opportunities in disguise. It's true, but only if the problems belong to other people. Those problems are indeed opportunities for you to get free entertainment. I think you'll agree that there is no laugh that is quite as satisfying as the one you get at the expense of your co-workers."    ~~ Scoot Adams (Book: Dilbert -- The Joy of Work)

"Make sure your co-workers don't detect any traces of empathy as you listen to their problems. Everyone knows that if you have empathy, you probably have the capacity for guilt too." ~~ Scoot Adams (Book: Dilbert -- The Joy of Work)

"Just because you're sick, that's no reason to stay home. The body is an amazing machine, capable of enduring the most ghastly germs and bacteria until they can be safely transmitted to your co-workers. If you can move at all, you might as well go to work and enjoy one of the few legal ways you can intentionally cause bodily harm to other people." ~~ Scoot Adams (Book: Dilbert -- The Joy of Work)

"When you're germ-laden, you're like the evil criminals who escaped jail on Krypton just because the planet exploded. People fear you when you're sick. Try wearing a cape and tall boots to accentuate the effect. Then yell "Bow Before Me" before you cough on a co-worker." ~~ Scoot Adams (Book: Dilbert -- The Joy of Work)

"The quality of your ideas is irrelevant. You can get away with spewing bad ideas all day because no one can tell the difference between a great idea and a bad idea." ~~ Scoot Adams (Book: Dilbert -- The Joy of Work)

"The Internet is the best place to find friends, because you can pretend to be someone else. Your internet friends will also be pretending to be other people, so in essence you will be creating fake people who will be friends with each other, but that's close enough. At least no one will ask you to borrow your stuff." ~~ Scoot Adams (Book: Dilbert -- The Joy of Work)

"Unless you work alone, one of the biggest assaults on your happiness is something called a meeting." ~~ Scoot Adams (Book: Dilbert -- The Joy of Work)

"You can't create anything new --- even if it's only an idea --- the zombies (referred to as critics) will surround your office or home and try to recruit you into their cult of normalcy. The critics can effectively neutralize any happiness you get from your creativity." ~~ Scoot Adams (Book: Dilbert -- The Joy of Work)

"When you create anything --- especially humor -- there's a good chance that people will get angry for no good reason. When people get mad for no reason, you will be branded 'insensitive'." ~~ Scoot Adams (Book: Dilbert -- The Joy of Work)

"There is only one effective response when accused of insensitivity: Accuse your accuser of a sin called political correctness. Political correctness is a totally meaningless phase, similar to 'insensitivity'. Neither has any useful meaning because they both describe every person on the earth. Realistically, everyone whines when his or her own demographic group is maligned. We're all politically correct. So it's like accusing 'dog of having hair on its body'." ~~ Scoot Adams (Book: Dilbert -- The Joy of Work)

"If your co-workers, family, friends and business partners find out that your schedule is not filled with life-threatening crisis, they will happily supply them." ~~ Scoot Adams (Book: Dilbert -- The Joy of Work)

"The most time-efficient way to say no to something is to say yes, and then never do it." ~~ Scoot Adams (Book: Dilbert -- The Joy of Work)

"If people are always asking you for information, start referring them to your Web page. It's okay if you don't have a Web page or that your Web page has no useful information." ~~ Scoot Adams (Book: Dilbert -- The Joy of Work)

"An effective way to reduce your workload is to act creative, which is exactly like acting insane but without the involuntary incarceration and ensuing social stigma." ~~ Scoot Adams (Book: Dilbert -- The Joy of Work)

"As a creative, you are not obliged to be logical, since logic is the opposite of creative. Act confused at every opportunity. If you get into a discussion of world events, take an irrational stand and defend it vigorously." ~~ Scoot Adams (Book: Dilbert -- The Joy of Work)

"You don't have to listen to every single word that people say in order to be a good listener. You can usually get the gist of the topic in the first sentence, then tune out and nod politely until the noise stops." ~~ Scoot Adams (Book: Dilbert -- The Joy of Work)

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Hope you enjoyed reading this collection of quotes.

Happy Reading!